It has been very tiring, saddening, and heart breaking when I think and reflect on what happened and what could have happened. So far I think in total I have "ruined" two friendships. I hope it's not more than that =S
One of them was during high school where a five year "friendship" was broken off. I'm not even sure if what my friend and I had was actually a friendship because we have never shared anything deep with each other. Also she was really hard to love and I actually didn't like her as much as people perceived. Yikes! Though we didn't really talk about meaningful things (ever!) but I know I was some sort of "home base"/ "safety net" for her when other people turn away from her.
I know that many people didn't like her, I didn't like her sometimes due to different reasons that should not be mentioned anymore. But at times I really didn't mind her... just like... whatever. I also didn't mind her because I was the "Christian" in my group of friends and it was the "right" thing to do. Was I ever a light to her? No. I honestly don't think so. I don't think I truly cared about her. Now that I think about it, I was barely a true follower of Christ! I was self- righteous, self-deceiving, and very blinded by my own sin and proud personality to see that I was just as sinful in God's eyes.
I occasionally stalk her on fb (lol. What? I thought we all do that =P) and from the looks of things on fb, I'm almost convinced that I am still the only claimed Christian she knew. And I'm pretty sure that the last impression of me wasn't Christ-like at all and I know that that further reinforced her perception of religious people she told me about years ago.
And recently hearing from a common friend, she still talks about it sometimes and is still very hurt by what happened. Be very careful when you claim to be a Christian. You never know if you are the last Christian they will see or even want to see.
The other friendship that was broken off was more recent. I'm not sure what to say about it. Though I do grief that it had to happen, but I don't believe that God would bring people into my life and then just take it away and have no meaning to it. I believe that it all serves a purpose. I'm just not there to see it yet. I also believe that God will bring my two friends and I back together at some point in our lives at the right time and place where you can see how it all fit together and go "Ohhhh! God, this is BRILLIANT!"
When I get upset about these things, I remember that God is the healer of my life and my friends' lives. He heals us physically, emotionally, and spiritually. If God can change and heal me, a self-righteous, God-hating, and unloving sinner, He can definitely heal relationships.
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